I Love You and Goodbye… ( A Poem)

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I Love You and Goodbye…

When we were younger we were best friends,

We loved each other, together till the end.

But we were so young and innocent you see,

We didn’t know how cruel life could be.

 

When I’m thinking of you and I look up above,

I know you’re still here because I feel our love.

When it’s my time, I’ll get to join you,

But until then I’ll just have to push through.

 

I can’t think of the words to express how I feel,

When I wake, I think you’re here but realize it’s not real.

I wish with all my heart it was me in your place,

When I close my eyes I can still see your face.

 

I know you’ll forever remain in the safety of my heart,

Even though I hate it that we were forced apart.

I love you more than you’ll ever know,

I hate it, but I love you so I have to let you go.

 

Be in peace and be happy wherever you are placed,

Here’s one last kiss I send to you, plant it on your face.

I have to try to live without you in my life,

Until my eyes have their final close, I’ll push on and survive.

 

Now you have your dream baby, you can finally fly,

So until I see you again, this is…

I love you and goodbye.

– Broken Wings.

 

A poem close to my heart. I hope you enjoyed it.

The One (poem)

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The One…

Mentally draining, trauma suffered over the years

Anxiety and sadness making me feel impaired

Numb, unable to love or be loved

Can’t get too close, can’t be touched

 

Everything seems to trigger me now

A loud noise echoes, flashbacks of memories so foul

How am I supposed to live a life like this?

Too damaged to be alive, too insignificant to miss

 

All I’ve done for so long is purely survive

Now I have to try to live on and thrive

University, a future, I have to push through

I get dragged back, made to feel I’m being untrue

 

To the person that I was, that worthless child

Who covered up the body that others defiled

The one who grew up tortured, in dysfunction

Soul scarred and battered from other peoples’ sin

 

The one who slept alone out on cold concrete

The one with broken promises laid dead at her feet

The one whose innocence was stolen and abused

The one who numbed the pain with substances she used

 

The one with scars down her arm representing blooded pain

The one who tried to end it all by choking a dead vein

There is no blood left to bleed inside of me

In the past I would have run, because internally, 

 

My worth has been engraved into my soul

By all of those tormentors from days of bitter cold

Regardless of my past I know that I just have to be

Loyal to that broken person inside of me

 

That is why I have to fight these demons

That stops me from allowing anybody in

Get too close ill push you away

That is the price I continue to pay

 

I am trying, fighting my hardest to stay alive

Pushing against the darkness that doesn’t want me to survive

I wave my white flag, surrender, try to understand

God heal my heart and hold on to my hand

I want to live in peace from now until the end

– Broken Wings

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Reflections… (poem)

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Reflections… 

 

On the roadside a young girl sits.

Questions scrawled across her face.

Creases rest, like crumpled paper upon her youthful skin.

Remnants lay visible of life’s harsh grip.

 

Sheltered, only by the wind’s soft exhale,

Listlessly, combing through unwashed hair.

Protected, only by night’s dark shade,

Loneliness, hidden by its blackened veil.

Cared for, only by the moon’s guiding light.

Golden streams pierced the black empty night.

Warmed, only by the sunrise, its lava eased the dark.

The sky is bruised, blood-red and grey as sunrise colours fused.

 

Another day, roadside begins.

Her fragile face, cracked,

Like lines in the pavement on which she sat.

Searching for answers, blue eyes, bluer than the oceans tide,

Hopelessly wandering across the sea of faces,

In morning rush the face racing.

 

Looking for a glimmer of hope,

Someone… anyone… notice her?

I reach out my hand only to… bump…

Into a shops display window, then I see,

The broken reflection looking back was me.

– Broken Wings.

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Another poem written about my personal experiences. This one is not a rhyming one. I hope you like it nonetheless. It is about a topic very close to my heart.

The Darkness (poem)

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The Darkness… 


There are no boundaries no rules to follow,
no hope for peace just pain and sorrow,
its consuming me, imprisoning me,
I can’t escape, I can’t break free.

 

It runs through my veins, it’s the air I breathe,
locked up in chains, I cannot cry nor grieve,
I have no escape, no way out,
I bleed I’m in pain but I cannot shout.

 

My emotional cuts are too deep,
to stitch up, blood slowly seeps,
from my wounds, my darkness, my pain,
like a storm aimless without the rain.

 

I drift all day empty and torn,
some days I wish I’d never been born,
the blood is calming, they are only small,
I yell for help but no one hears my call,
its like I don’t exist at all.

 

I’m dead to them, a distant part of the abuse,
will I ever be cut loose from the noose,
or am I to remain stuck in this empty shell,
stemming from the nightmares of my daily hell.

 

I want to cut, I want to run,
I’m unraveling, I’ve come undone,
save me, take me, end it today,
let the angels take me away.

– Broken Wings.

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Hey all, this is another poem I have written based on my personal experiences. I will get back to writing my history when I am feeling up to it. As you know it is a very emotional journey. Take care all of you beautiful people.

Evil, Thanks for the Poem

All my young life all I ever wanted was your love

Some form of encouragement that I am valid

A few kind words, a nod of admiration

That my birth, was cause for celebration

 

A sign that I, as your daughter, existed

Worthy, somewhere in the chasms of your cold heart

No matter how hard I tried, you resisted

I was naively loyal but never good enough for the part

 

Instead your words were filled with hate

With all your daily torments and taunts

You said I was unlovable, a mistake

Your words… my life… they haunt

 

The bruises, they do fade eventually

The pain your vile words caused me

I will never be able to forget

My pillow can’t forgive you, all the hurt I wept

 

The empty bottles bleeding tears

As you suck out every drop

Collect the bottles from all the years

That the hurting never stopped

 

You could build a mountain

Out of all the bottled glass

You could never count them

For you haven’t drunk your last

 

Just leave me alone, your “mothering” has no use

Your “hard” life, you always use as the excuse

“Oh poor me”, it’s always everyone else to blame

Oh the other side of my family? Only a father with no name

 

Hurting and beating are not your only crimes

 “I’ve changed” you say for the millionth time

A sentence I always hear, but you’ll always be the same

For I am just a name, responsibility, you will never claim

 

For your only daughter, nor the pain that you caused

All the scars and bruises, still visible on my soul

Your disgusting behaviour awarded you applause

I pay the price you see; on me you took your toll

 

You kicked me on the streets at age 13

But you broke me the day that I was born

With all your empty bottles and misery you cause

With all the beatings, each blow, my soul is torn

 

Weeping, seeping, blackened, wrought with your disease

I’m ashamed to have your name on my family tree

Disgusted by the DNA, that I can’t bleed out of me

You tarnished me, I was happier on the street

 

The street where you left me cold and all alone

Nobody to love me, no place to call my own

The title “mother” should always provide a home

Instead you beat me, defeat me, and toss me out

Like a cold and heartless stone

 

Your words engraved into my head

There they rest politely waiting to be read

You will never fully get, all the pain you cause

Read my words carefully don’t you dare take a pause

 

You are the E in evil you really make me sick

All the drunken Episodes causing nights of panic

V is for the Violence of which you did inflict

Ferocious hits and nasty bites, rip my soul to bits

 

I is for the Insecurity that you put in me

Depression and anxiety of which I am not free

You should have given me the chance to be

The careless, cheerful, child that I would happily call me

 

L is for the Love you never showed and the Love you stole away

When you told my family with me they cannot stay

You should have given me to them, instead of causing pain,

Given me a home to have, you should have stayed away

 

EVIL is what you are and what you mean to me

I will never call you ‘mother’ because I’d be speaking too highly

You don’t deserve a millionths chance after all you’ve done

Go drown in the bottle, in your life; it’s your number one

 

Bottle before baby, housing, love or food

That same old bottle that put fury into your every mood

Go and drink till the last drop parts ways on your lips

Just know that you’ll die alone because of all of this.

 -Broken Wings (Breaking the Silence)

Hey all, I write poetry, this is the first poem that I am putting on here but I might share more if I feel open enough. It is dark and based on my personal experiences. It is not aimed towards all alcoholics, as I have said before, many alcoholics are genuinely good people that have gone through a hard time and then use substances to get through it. They then become addicted and their life and those around them is severely affected. My mother (the inspiration for this piece) is not one of those alcoholics. She is cruel, narcissistic and just plain evil. Hence the poem.

 

Versatile Blogger Award (VBA) Yay!

Hey everyone,

I have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award- No photos please but the red carpet is welcome!  http://versatilebloggeraward.wordpress.com/

I would like to thank Perceptions of Reality http://ejb75.wordpress.com/ for taking the time to read my blog, for liking it and then nominating me, so thank you so much!!!

I’m new on this site so when I saw I was nominated I actually had no idea what this award was, in fact I didn’t know that there were awards on word press so there you go! It is nice to know however, that someone likes your writing and I have to admit, this definitely made my day. It’s not so much about the publicity, it just feels good to know that in some small way my humble blog affected/inspired or left mark on someone’s heart and memory. It means a lot.

So to follow the rules of this award I too need to nominate 15 blogs for this award. There are so many awesome blogs and bloggers out there that it is hard to choose. I chose these blogs because they have inspired me, lifted me up when I felt down, evoked emotion from me or made me laugh until my belly hurts and for that I thank them. It is so nice to be surrounded by so many awesome bloggers. Here we go in no particular order…

– http://asianspanishfusion.wordpress.com/about/  Hana and Cairo’s blog on Love More, Eat Well, Be Happy. I like this blog a lot for the healthy eating ideas, the humor they use through-out their writing and the love they put into everything. Especially for the love and positivity they show despite the fact that one of them is going through cancer and they both have had ups and downs in their lives. Lovely couple, awesome blog!

– http://healingfromabuse.me/ Freedom From Pain for the reflective thoughts portrayed in her writing, for the help, hope and love that she gives to others and for the inspiration that she is after all she has overcome in her life. Her experiences although hard, she has prevailed and become a shining light providing others with the support to get through their own journeys.

– http://manhooddelayed.wordpress.com/ Manhood Delayed for his honest and open blog about his experiences. Also the reflective thoughts and therapy he provides in his writing.

– http://literaturediscoveriesbynikki.wordpress.com/ Nikki for the honesty and emotion expressed through her poetry and writing which stem from struggles that she has faced in her life, including having an alcohol dependent mother.

– http://othersideofk.wordpress.com/ Kat for her writing style, flair for humor, her interesting posts and her passion when tackling the harsh issues in life.

– http://tamardermer.com/ Tamara for her personal journey portrayed so beautifully and emotionally through her words. I can relate so well to the pain she expresses about the struggles she has been through and the aftermath of abuse (PTSD and Anxiety).

http://darkyblue.wordpress.com/ 50 Shades of Me for the poetic, unique style in which this blog is written, full of emotion and personality, hardships and inspiration.

– http://thetruthwarrior.wordpress.com/ For the inspiration, information and passion put into their writing. For always managing to make me feel inspired, uplifted and reflective when I read their work.

– http://hiimawkward.com/ For all their posts, the funny, the hilarious and of course the awkward. This blog is always entertaining, witty and makes me smile.

– http://mirrorgirlblog.com/ For her interesting posts,  for her passion, her love for helping people, her high EQ and of course posts on psychology- which I LOVE by the way.

– http://everyonehasastory.me/ For their interesting blog filled with memories, stories and family. I don’t have a family, so I find this blog very special as you can see the love they have for each other. They have had hard times, ups and downs but are real and honest and I like that.

– http://brothersonthemend.wordpress.com/ For their inspiring journey and road to recovery after suffering through child sexual abuse. For their bravery and honesty about this issue, I have read many blogs on it, but this was the first one written by men.

– http://thepeopleihavesleptwith.com/ For their interesting exploits and funny sexual stories that are always entertaining and risky it makes me cringe and sometimes cry from laughing so hard.

– http://borderlinechild.wordpress.com/ I just happened to stumble onto this blog as I was browsing through some tags. I was blown away by this person’s writing style, by the emotion emulating through her words and the bravery this person possesses.

– http://thepowerofsilenceblog.wordpress.com/ For their bravery in talking about past experiences that are hard to discuss and breaking the silence. I know how hard it is to speak about, after staying silent for so long.

So there you go, those are the 15 blogs in the short few weeks that I have been on word press that have touched my heart, made me laugh or have said something that resonated with me.

Now to fulfill the other part of my obligations in order to claim my VBA award, I have to say 7 things about myself. I find it hard to talk about myself or to know what to say, but here are some random, honest points about me.

1. I love butterflies, a lot more than any normal person should. For me they represent transformation, a new life through every stage and the last is the most beautiful, they have to live in darkness in order to emerge as beautiful as they do. They only live for a short time so it represents living your life to the fullest, which is something I place importance on.

2. The first 20 years of my life were trauma filled and turbulent, everything I write on my blog is true. I’m only in my mid 20’s so I still have a lot of work to do before I am able to move forward but I am on that journey 🙂

3. I am scared of snot, boggies, nose fluid… whatever you want to call it. I walk away quickly when people blow their noses and if I see someone’s nose fluid it makes me want to vomit. I have no idea where that fear came from.

4.  I can be very OCD when it comes to how things are done, washing, cleanliness, tidying my house and I have to know where everything of mine is. I think this stems from being homeless, I now am quite OCD when it comes to most things in my life including the foods I eat and how I eat them, weird I know.

5. I LOVE NATURE, camping, swimming in the fresh water lakes here, being near the mountains, laying in the grass, watching the moon and stars at night, feeling the sunshine on my skin. I live in a “city” but i am lucky enough to have all this wondrous beauty around me, I don’t have to travel far to lose myself in natures beauty.

6. I am an introvert, I have a few good friends but I am awkward in social situations so I tend to prefer to either be alone or in the company of the few people I let close to me. I don’t have a family, so I consider these close friends as my family. Funny thing is I used to be extremely extroverted and out-going, isn’t it weird how life experiences change you? I think that is why I love writing and poetry so much, it is a great way to let out emotions without having to feel socially awkward and getting bad anxiety. This is a place where I can express myself and be honest without fear.

7. I am a bit of a health freak, I try to only eat healthy foods, cutting out anything that is bad e.g. white sugar, rice, potatoes, processed foods, take aways and fizzies….  Etc etc etc. I eat loads of veggies, lean meats, protein, coconut oil and all things good. I am grateful to be able to eat things like this now, not like during childhood when I was purely surviving. I believe that a healthy diet contributes significantly to a healthy life and healthy mind. It is also better to prevent illness than to use medicines as the “cure”.

So after hours of preparing this post I can now claim my award. I want to thank my nominator again and to all the people I have nominated, stay awesome! Thanks everyone, take care 🙂