I Love You and Goodbye… ( A Poem)

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I Love You and Goodbye…

When we were younger we were best friends,

We loved each other, together till the end.

But we were so young and innocent you see,

We didn’t know how cruel life could be.

 

When I’m thinking of you and I look up above,

I know you’re still here because I feel our love.

When it’s my time, I’ll get to join you,

But until then I’ll just have to push through.

 

I can’t think of the words to express how I feel,

When I wake, I think you’re here but realize it’s not real.

I wish with all my heart it was me in your place,

When I close my eyes I can still see your face.

 

I know you’ll forever remain in the safety of my heart,

Even though I hate it that we were forced apart.

I love you more than you’ll ever know,

I hate it, but I love you so I have to let you go.

 

Be in peace and be happy wherever you are placed,

Here’s one last kiss I send to you, plant it on your face.

I have to try to live without you in my life,

Until my eyes have their final close, I’ll push on and survive.

 

Now you have your dream baby, you can finally fly,

So until I see you again, this is…

I love you and goodbye.

– Broken Wings.

 

A poem close to my heart. I hope you enjoyed it.

WHOA! Man Successfully Sues Wife Over Ugly Children

This is shocking! Disgusting! I can’t believe that a judge actually agreed with this man’s disgraceful statement. “A Chinese man divorced and then sued his ex-wife for giving birth to what he called an extremely ugly baby girl”. He says he married for love… What is your opinion?

The One (poem)

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The One…

Mentally draining, trauma suffered over the years

Anxiety and sadness making me feel impaired

Numb, unable to love or be loved

Can’t get too close, can’t be touched

 

Everything seems to trigger me now

A loud noise echoes, flashbacks of memories so foul

How am I supposed to live a life like this?

Too damaged to be alive, too insignificant to miss

 

All I’ve done for so long is purely survive

Now I have to try to live on and thrive

University, a future, I have to push through

I get dragged back, made to feel I’m being untrue

 

To the person that I was, that worthless child

Who covered up the body that others defiled

The one who grew up tortured, in dysfunction

Soul scarred and battered from other peoples’ sin

 

The one who slept alone out on cold concrete

The one with broken promises laid dead at her feet

The one whose innocence was stolen and abused

The one who numbed the pain with substances she used

 

The one with scars down her arm representing blooded pain

The one who tried to end it all by choking a dead vein

There is no blood left to bleed inside of me

In the past I would have run, because internally, 

 

My worth has been engraved into my soul

By all of those tormentors from days of bitter cold

Regardless of my past I know that I just have to be

Loyal to that broken person inside of me

 

That is why I have to fight these demons

That stops me from allowing anybody in

Get too close ill push you away

That is the price I continue to pay

 

I am trying, fighting my hardest to stay alive

Pushing against the darkness that doesn’t want me to survive

I wave my white flag, surrender, try to understand

God heal my heart and hold on to my hand

I want to live in peace from now until the end

– Broken Wings

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Reflections… (poem)

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Reflections… 

 

On the roadside a young girl sits.

Questions scrawled across her face.

Creases rest, like crumpled paper upon her youthful skin.

Remnants lay visible of life’s harsh grip.

 

Sheltered, only by the wind’s soft exhale,

Listlessly, combing through unwashed hair.

Protected, only by night’s dark shade,

Loneliness, hidden by its blackened veil.

Cared for, only by the moon’s guiding light.

Golden streams pierced the black empty night.

Warmed, only by the sunrise, its lava eased the dark.

The sky is bruised, blood-red and grey as sunrise colours fused.

 

Another day, roadside begins.

Her fragile face, cracked,

Like lines in the pavement on which she sat.

Searching for answers, blue eyes, bluer than the oceans tide,

Hopelessly wandering across the sea of faces,

In morning rush the face racing.

 

Looking for a glimmer of hope,

Someone… anyone… notice her?

I reach out my hand only to… bump…

Into a shops display window, then I see,

The broken reflection looking back was me.

– Broken Wings.

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Another poem written about my personal experiences. This one is not a rhyming one. I hope you like it nonetheless. It is about a topic very close to my heart.

The Darkness (poem)

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The Darkness… 


There are no boundaries no rules to follow,
no hope for peace just pain and sorrow,
its consuming me, imprisoning me,
I can’t escape, I can’t break free.

 

It runs through my veins, it’s the air I breathe,
locked up in chains, I cannot cry nor grieve,
I have no escape, no way out,
I bleed I’m in pain but I cannot shout.

 

My emotional cuts are too deep,
to stitch up, blood slowly seeps,
from my wounds, my darkness, my pain,
like a storm aimless without the rain.

 

I drift all day empty and torn,
some days I wish I’d never been born,
the blood is calming, they are only small,
I yell for help but no one hears my call,
its like I don’t exist at all.

 

I’m dead to them, a distant part of the abuse,
will I ever be cut loose from the noose,
or am I to remain stuck in this empty shell,
stemming from the nightmares of my daily hell.

 

I want to cut, I want to run,
I’m unraveling, I’ve come undone,
save me, take me, end it today,
let the angels take me away.

– Broken Wings.

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Hey all, this is another poem I have written based on my personal experiences. I will get back to writing my history when I am feeling up to it. As you know it is a very emotional journey. Take care all of you beautiful people.

Evil, Thanks for the Poem

All my young life all I ever wanted was your love

Some form of encouragement that I am valid

A few kind words, a nod of admiration

That my birth, was cause for celebration

 

A sign that I, as your daughter, existed

Worthy, somewhere in the chasms of your cold heart

No matter how hard I tried, you resisted

I was naively loyal but never good enough for the part

 

Instead your words were filled with hate

With all your daily torments and taunts

You said I was unlovable, a mistake

Your words… my life… they haunt

 

The bruises, they do fade eventually

The pain your vile words caused me

I will never be able to forget

My pillow can’t forgive you, all the hurt I wept

 

The empty bottles bleeding tears

As you suck out every drop

Collect the bottles from all the years

That the hurting never stopped

 

You could build a mountain

Out of all the bottled glass

You could never count them

For you haven’t drunk your last

 

Just leave me alone, your “mothering” has no use

Your “hard” life, you always use as the excuse

“Oh poor me”, it’s always everyone else to blame

Oh the other side of my family? Only a father with no name

 

Hurting and beating are not your only crimes

 “I’ve changed” you say for the millionth time

A sentence I always hear, but you’ll always be the same

For I am just a name, responsibility, you will never claim

 

For your only daughter, nor the pain that you caused

All the scars and bruises, still visible on my soul

Your disgusting behaviour awarded you applause

I pay the price you see; on me you took your toll

 

You kicked me on the streets at age 13

But you broke me the day that I was born

With all your empty bottles and misery you cause

With all the beatings, each blow, my soul is torn

 

Weeping, seeping, blackened, wrought with your disease

I’m ashamed to have your name on my family tree

Disgusted by the DNA, that I can’t bleed out of me

You tarnished me, I was happier on the street

 

The street where you left me cold and all alone

Nobody to love me, no place to call my own

The title “mother” should always provide a home

Instead you beat me, defeat me, and toss me out

Like a cold and heartless stone

 

Your words engraved into my head

There they rest politely waiting to be read

You will never fully get, all the pain you cause

Read my words carefully don’t you dare take a pause

 

You are the E in evil you really make me sick

All the drunken Episodes causing nights of panic

V is for the Violence of which you did inflict

Ferocious hits and nasty bites, rip my soul to bits

 

I is for the Insecurity that you put in me

Depression and anxiety of which I am not free

You should have given me the chance to be

The careless, cheerful, child that I would happily call me

 

L is for the Love you never showed and the Love you stole away

When you told my family with me they cannot stay

You should have given me to them, instead of causing pain,

Given me a home to have, you should have stayed away

 

EVIL is what you are and what you mean to me

I will never call you ‘mother’ because I’d be speaking too highly

You don’t deserve a millionths chance after all you’ve done

Go drown in the bottle, in your life; it’s your number one

 

Bottle before baby, housing, love or food

That same old bottle that put fury into your every mood

Go and drink till the last drop parts ways on your lips

Just know that you’ll die alone because of all of this.

 -Broken Wings (Breaking the Silence)

Hey all, I write poetry, this is the first poem that I am putting on here but I might share more if I feel open enough. It is dark and based on my personal experiences. It is not aimed towards all alcoholics, as I have said before, many alcoholics are genuinely good people that have gone through a hard time and then use substances to get through it. They then become addicted and their life and those around them is severely affected. My mother (the inspiration for this piece) is not one of those alcoholics. She is cruel, narcissistic and just plain evil. Hence the poem.

 

Versatile Blogger Award (VBA) Yay!

Hey everyone,

I have been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award- No photos please but the red carpet is welcome!  http://versatilebloggeraward.wordpress.com/

I would like to thank Perceptions of Reality http://ejb75.wordpress.com/ for taking the time to read my blog, for liking it and then nominating me, so thank you so much!!!

I’m new on this site so when I saw I was nominated I actually had no idea what this award was, in fact I didn’t know that there were awards on word press so there you go! It is nice to know however, that someone likes your writing and I have to admit, this definitely made my day. It’s not so much about the publicity, it just feels good to know that in some small way my humble blog affected/inspired or left mark on someone’s heart and memory. It means a lot.

So to follow the rules of this award I too need to nominate 15 blogs for this award. There are so many awesome blogs and bloggers out there that it is hard to choose. I chose these blogs because they have inspired me, lifted me up when I felt down, evoked emotion from me or made me laugh until my belly hurts and for that I thank them. It is so nice to be surrounded by so many awesome bloggers. Here we go in no particular order…

– http://asianspanishfusion.wordpress.com/about/  Hana and Cairo’s blog on Love More, Eat Well, Be Happy. I like this blog a lot for the healthy eating ideas, the humor they use through-out their writing and the love they put into everything. Especially for the love and positivity they show despite the fact that one of them is going through cancer and they both have had ups and downs in their lives. Lovely couple, awesome blog!

– http://healingfromabuse.me/ Freedom From Pain for the reflective thoughts portrayed in her writing, for the help, hope and love that she gives to others and for the inspiration that she is after all she has overcome in her life. Her experiences although hard, she has prevailed and become a shining light providing others with the support to get through their own journeys.

– http://manhooddelayed.wordpress.com/ Manhood Delayed for his honest and open blog about his experiences. Also the reflective thoughts and therapy he provides in his writing.

– http://literaturediscoveriesbynikki.wordpress.com/ Nikki for the honesty and emotion expressed through her poetry and writing which stem from struggles that she has faced in her life, including having an alcohol dependent mother.

– http://othersideofk.wordpress.com/ Kat for her writing style, flair for humor, her interesting posts and her passion when tackling the harsh issues in life.

– http://tamardermer.com/ Tamara for her personal journey portrayed so beautifully and emotionally through her words. I can relate so well to the pain she expresses about the struggles she has been through and the aftermath of abuse (PTSD and Anxiety).

http://darkyblue.wordpress.com/ 50 Shades of Me for the poetic, unique style in which this blog is written, full of emotion and personality, hardships and inspiration.

– http://thetruthwarrior.wordpress.com/ For the inspiration, information and passion put into their writing. For always managing to make me feel inspired, uplifted and reflective when I read their work.

– http://hiimawkward.com/ For all their posts, the funny, the hilarious and of course the awkward. This blog is always entertaining, witty and makes me smile.

– http://mirrorgirlblog.com/ For her interesting posts,  for her passion, her love for helping people, her high EQ and of course posts on psychology- which I LOVE by the way.

– http://everyonehasastory.me/ For their interesting blog filled with memories, stories and family. I don’t have a family, so I find this blog very special as you can see the love they have for each other. They have had hard times, ups and downs but are real and honest and I like that.

– http://brothersonthemend.wordpress.com/ For their inspiring journey and road to recovery after suffering through child sexual abuse. For their bravery and honesty about this issue, I have read many blogs on it, but this was the first one written by men.

– http://thepeopleihavesleptwith.com/ For their interesting exploits and funny sexual stories that are always entertaining and risky it makes me cringe and sometimes cry from laughing so hard.

– http://borderlinechild.wordpress.com/ I just happened to stumble onto this blog as I was browsing through some tags. I was blown away by this person’s writing style, by the emotion emulating through her words and the bravery this person possesses.

– http://thepowerofsilenceblog.wordpress.com/ For their bravery in talking about past experiences that are hard to discuss and breaking the silence. I know how hard it is to speak about, after staying silent for so long.

So there you go, those are the 15 blogs in the short few weeks that I have been on word press that have touched my heart, made me laugh or have said something that resonated with me.

Now to fulfill the other part of my obligations in order to claim my VBA award, I have to say 7 things about myself. I find it hard to talk about myself or to know what to say, but here are some random, honest points about me.

1. I love butterflies, a lot more than any normal person should. For me they represent transformation, a new life through every stage and the last is the most beautiful, they have to live in darkness in order to emerge as beautiful as they do. They only live for a short time so it represents living your life to the fullest, which is something I place importance on.

2. The first 20 years of my life were trauma filled and turbulent, everything I write on my blog is true. I’m only in my mid 20’s so I still have a lot of work to do before I am able to move forward but I am on that journey 🙂

3. I am scared of snot, boggies, nose fluid… whatever you want to call it. I walk away quickly when people blow their noses and if I see someone’s nose fluid it makes me want to vomit. I have no idea where that fear came from.

4.  I can be very OCD when it comes to how things are done, washing, cleanliness, tidying my house and I have to know where everything of mine is. I think this stems from being homeless, I now am quite OCD when it comes to most things in my life including the foods I eat and how I eat them, weird I know.

5. I LOVE NATURE, camping, swimming in the fresh water lakes here, being near the mountains, laying in the grass, watching the moon and stars at night, feeling the sunshine on my skin. I live in a “city” but i am lucky enough to have all this wondrous beauty around me, I don’t have to travel far to lose myself in natures beauty.

6. I am an introvert, I have a few good friends but I am awkward in social situations so I tend to prefer to either be alone or in the company of the few people I let close to me. I don’t have a family, so I consider these close friends as my family. Funny thing is I used to be extremely extroverted and out-going, isn’t it weird how life experiences change you? I think that is why I love writing and poetry so much, it is a great way to let out emotions without having to feel socially awkward and getting bad anxiety. This is a place where I can express myself and be honest without fear.

7. I am a bit of a health freak, I try to only eat healthy foods, cutting out anything that is bad e.g. white sugar, rice, potatoes, processed foods, take aways and fizzies….  Etc etc etc. I eat loads of veggies, lean meats, protein, coconut oil and all things good. I am grateful to be able to eat things like this now, not like during childhood when I was purely surviving. I believe that a healthy diet contributes significantly to a healthy life and healthy mind. It is also better to prevent illness than to use medicines as the “cure”.

So after hours of preparing this post I can now claim my award. I want to thank my nominator again and to all the people I have nominated, stay awesome! Thanks everyone, take care 🙂

A Passing Thought on the “Small Things” in Life…

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So today as I was going about doing normal daily things I had a thought. All my life I was made to feel so small and worthless, like I did not matter and I was just a mistake. That got me thinking… I have been made to feel small and insignificant, but those words do not go together.

The mosquito is small, it still makes an impact (okay so they are annoying and generally cause itchy little bites) but they are a part of this world. The ant, they can lift something 4 times heavy than themselves, they are hard workers and millions of them work together to create underground passageways (much like a subway system). They are intelligent and certainly contribute to the ecosystem.  The bumble bee, they collect pollen and make honey (a good antibiotic btw) without them the balance of nature would unravel. Fish, we eat them (poor nemo) and so does other marine life, without them the ocean would just be like a giant bowl of salt water. I think you get the picture…

As I was reflecting on how I felt this morning I realized… that even if people make us seem small and insignificant, we are not! We may feel like small drops in a giant ocean but we are unique, beautiful, intelligent human beings capable of great things. No one should make you feel worthless because each of us are priceless.

If the mosquito, the ant, the bee and fish all contribute to the well being and balance in this world then why can’t I? The truth is, in our own ways we all are. Everyday we make a difference, just by being alive, we eat, breathe and have social interactions. We are a part of this world, whether we are introverted or extroverted, whether we feel it or not, no matter how we live our lives, we are a part of a delicate chain.

Did you ever stop to think how you are making a difference in the world? We make a difference with all of our choices, in everyday things. Smiling at a stranger can brighten their day (difference made), choosing to use environmentally friendly cleaners (difference made), helping a friend through a hard time (difference made), getting out of bed and doing what you do so awesomely even when you are not feeling up to it (difference made). No matter how small you think you are or you have been made to feel, you are important, you are unique and you deserve to be here.

We can’t change what we have been through, I certainly can’t take away my own pain let alone anyone else’s, but we can make a difference, we do contribute and we are valid. So on those days when you are feeling worthless, when you don’t even want to get out of bed, think of all the “small things” that contribute to life here, you will soon see that the small things really aren’t that small. The “small things” that people talk about, they are the things that truly matter, the things that count the most.

People always say to stop and notice the small things, the flowers, the sunshine, the “small” kind things that people do for others, it’s the “little” things that count. Well in that case, I don’t mind if other people think I am small, because I now know the value of that word “small” and it is much greater and more important than I have ever realized before. Just like you are. Don’t let anyone else make you feel otherwise. I am messy, vulnerable and imperfect but I am uniquely me nonetheless. Just as all of you, are wonderfully you. Celebrate yourself today, do something that makes you happy, something “small” that really isn’t that small after all.

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A Childhood Stolen…

My mother’s drinking was/is out of control. She drank pretty much daily to the point where she could no longer function. She drank until she eventually passed out, when she finally passed out I could breathe a sigh of relief knowing that for that day at least, the pain was over.

Mum went through so many boyfriends, one after the other. So I often had random men coming in and out of my life, none of which were very interested in me. All they wanted was sex from my mother. I was left alone a lot. I was isolated from other children my age because what parent in their right mind would bring a child to a bar? So I was left to my own devices. I often drank the left overs in bottles, I tried anything I could get my hands on and I started lighting fires. Troubled and alone, no one noticed my cries for help.

It wasn’t long before my mother had isolated me from every other family member, ensuring one way or another that it was just me and her. I hardly ever got to see my father, grandparents, cousins, aunties, uncles, eventually they became strangers and no longer played a part in my life. My mother said it was because I am unlovable, I am worthless and they didn’t want me around. Of course as a child I believed her, I trusted her, as any naive child would. In the end I thought the problem was me, no one seemed to care and all the family I was supposed to have disappeared and left me. It seemed like no one loved me. All I wanted was love, I wanted her attention and affection but it just never came. She was far to preoccupied with men and alcohol to care for me.

She had a boyfriend that she met while working at this bar, I’ll call him Adam. Adam was a traveler, a bogan type, with dirty unkept hair, a guy who loved to drink and do drugs. For some reason my mum actually seemed to like this guy. He did get rough with her from time to time but my mum wasn’t the submissive type so their arguments got pretty heated and violent. Most of the time I was sent off to stay with mum’s friends while she partied, I started seeing her around less and less. I used to make myself physically sick from crying so much for my mum to come and get me. Some of the places I stayed at were pretty rough party houses. One night my mum came and picked me up and we drove for hours until she stopped at a hotel. Adam and her were having sex, in the same room as me and I could see him watching me… My mum told me to sleep so I shut my eyes, but I still felt Adam’s glare. He really scared me, there was just something about him, I didn’t like him near me.

One day mum went out and Adam was drinking as usual. I didn’t know what was happening, I knew what I had seen adults do but I couldn’t comprehend or understand what sex really was. So when Adam was hurting me I didn’t know what was happening, I couldn’t grasp the severity of it. I was only five years old after all. After it was all over I felt sick, I blacked out for awhile and I remember feeling dirty and disgusting but not knowing why. He took me to a park and made it look like I had hurt myself because I was bleeding so I guess that was to be used as an excuse later. I don’t remember much after that until I woke up on the couch and my mum said I had an accident at the playground. I never denied it. I never challenged it. I forced all those memories far down, to the point where I hardly recall what happened. I know it happened but I guess it’s much easier to forget. It wasn’t the only time I was abused this way, the amount of bars, parties and alcohol I was around, it is no surprise that I was also surrounded by drunk random men and being a child without proper supervision I was an easy target. I felt disgusting and worthless, but as a child I had no rational reason for feeling this way. I only knew what my mum fed me, which was that I am worthless, unlovable and everything is my fault.

I became highly sexualized after all this. I was inappropriate with almost anyone that I was around. Any friends I made I eventually lost because either I was inappropriate or they knew my mum was a drunk and didn’t want their kids around riff raff like me. I think my mum knew what happened but just refused to admit it or didn’t care. She would call me names, bitch, slut, anything to hurt me.

I was six when my grandfather committed suicide. He was clinically depressed, they had tried shock therapy and all sorts but none of it made a difference. My Nanna is a negative person, always quick to put people down and make others feel bad. She is also very selfish, a trait that my mother has. For some reason both my Nanna and my mum seem to think that everyone else in the world is stupid or bad and that they are amazing. They blame all their issues on others and are NEVER wrong, it is never their fault. They are both cold people who only care about themselves. They have no family values and place very little importance on anyone else in their lives. That is part of why my grandfather killed himself, my Nanna was mean to him constantly and it got to the point where they couldn’t even speak to each other. The other reason is that my Nanna had an affair with a man 10 years younger than her and my Grandad found out. He was a kind and gentle man, very caring and I always had a connection to him. I have one fond memory of him, sitting on his knee coloring as he sang to me. “little baby bumpkin, daddy’s gone a hunting, to find a little rabbit skin, to wrap the baby bumpkin in”.

After my Grandad passed my mum’s drinking got much worse. I was forced to live with my Nanna for some time, which I hated because her and her new boyfriend had inherited a lot of money from my grandad’s death and spent it all on their ‘new’ life together. I was a hindrance in my Nanna’s eyes. I have reports with phone calls made to child protection services about her wanting my mum to take me back so she can get married. Everyone knew it was dangerous for me to live with her, even child protection, my nanna admitted this on the phone to them. She expressed her concern about my welfare, knowing that mum drinks far too much and puts me in dangerous situations but she exclaimed that she could no longer look after me. My mum always made promises to visit me but she never did, I was always let down. I got very sick because of all this, I couldn’t sleep, hardly ate and continually vomited. All a girl wants is her mum right? Well I eventually got my wish and was sent to live with her. Biggest mistake of my life. I was only a child, I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I shouldn’t have gone there. That was the last that I saw of any family member except my mother for a long time.

This part of my history is mainly a filler, to fill in the little blanks between events, I didn’t stay with my Nanna for long but at least it was stable and I actually attended school, I had my own room and wasn’t being hurt. My Nan is cold, but she isn’t violent and doesn’t drink. I would have been better off there but I guess she didn’t want me and all I wanted was to be around my mum. In my warped, abused, child mind, mum was still the light of my life and all I wanted was her love. I promised myself I would be on my best behavior and I would do anything to get her love. I didn’t want her to leave me again, so I was planning on being the best daughter anyone ever had. I didn’t know at the time that the problem was her not loving or caring about me. I thought that the problem was me. I thought I was unlovable. I was worthless. I had no idea that really, my mother hated me.

The beginning…

Just a warning, it will take a long time for me to talk about everything that has happened. I’m not going to write it all in one post. The reason for this is it is a healing process for me, there is too much to write in one go and I want to do this properly. So I will drip feed it to you all, piece by piece. This isn’t easy so please bear with me and thank you to all of you who are posting words of encouragement, it truly means a lot to me.

So where else can I begin, except at the beginning? The start of my life was the best part, purely because I was young, innocent and completely naive to the horrors happening around me. It was also the best part because my memory of it all seems so distant now… somewhat fragmented and filled in by child services reports and accounts of those who were there at this point in my life.

My parents had me when they were young, they hadn’t finished partying, drinking and doing drugs. I guess those are all deemed as ‘normal’ teenage/ young adult behaviors. My father was a criminal, yes I know… not  a great career, but that is how he got money. He stole. My mother… well she was a prostitute (by choice not out of necessity) and a full blown alcoholic. I’m not here to put down alcoholics, some are genuinely good people that have been through some rough times and find it hard to cope, so they use substances to numb the pain and eventually get addicted. Some alcoholics really do try to be good parents, they have good intentions but sadly this horrible disease prevents them from making healthy choices for themselves and their children. My mother is NOT one of those alcoholics. She had the opportunity to get help thousands of times but never did. She was not only nasty when she drank, she was nasty sober, she has a twisted mind and is… what’s the word… cruel. I knew from a very young age that she didn’t love me and that I ruined her life, she made that VERY clear. Anyway, I digress.

My father left when I was three years old, he claims it is because he could not handle my mother’s drinking anymore. He would come home to find her passed out on the floor and see my crying in my crib, soiled, hungry and alone. He would find her in bed with other men. She is also very violent when she drinks and loses control. She drink drives, she manipulates, lies, sleeps around and is physically and emotionally abusive. My father left me in her care, claiming that he felt there was nothing he could do for me because children end up with their mothers, so he never pursued custody through the courts. He just left me there, knowing what my mother was capable of. In a way I don’t blame him, I was stuck with my mother for many years and she is horrible, life sucking and violent. But I do feel as though the adults in my life could have done something more for me. They were the adults after all, surely someone could have done something?

I saw my father occasionally after that, not often and I think that he resented me because I was a reminder of my mother. Okay, I don’t refer to them as mother or father because to me they don’t deserve those names but I will call them mum and dad for this blog only. So after dad left, mum worked as a bartender (still prostituting at night), we lived in a bar and backpackers. The bar was downstairs and the rooms were upstairs. I used to collect the glasses from around the bar and take them to the counter, occasionally they would let me pour the beer, by sitting me on the bar. I was constantly surrounded by people drinking, smoking and having sex. I will never forget the smells, it still makes my stomach turn. On the rare occasions that I saw dad, he used to have to drop me off at these places, bars, clubs and random people’s houses. Mum left me here, there and everywhere so she could go out and drink. My childhood was stolen from me, I didn’t have the love and care I needed from birth onward.

My first really bad memory is of when I was four. I was hungry and mum was shut in her room, she has been there all day and I was alone, bored and hungry. I knocked on her door and she told me to piss off, so I did. What felt like hours later I knocked on her door again. No answer this time, so I opened the door slightly, peaking in. My mother was in bed with two men, drunk and high on drugs. She saw me and was furious. “I told you to F*** off, I’m busy”. She threw on some clothes and dragged me to my room. I have a kink in my nose from that day, the ridge is higher and bent, from the break. A constant reminder of how much my mother hates me. Unfortunately for me, a few weeks later my room needed to rented to someone else over the ‘busy’ season, so I had to start sharing a room with mum. I saw everything, the sex, the drugs, the drinking. My innocent eyes were tarnished and from then on I was an adult, trapped in a helpless child’s body. I had to start fending for myself more and more, getting my own food and becoming smarter, I didn’t realize it at the time but I was in survival mode. I had to be in that mode for many years to come and I’m not sure that I am yet fully out of it.

This is just the beginning, the somewhat easier part of my life. It gets a lot worse from here on out. People who suffer through on-going trauma have an over developed stress response system. I have good survival instincts, but that means that in early development I missed out on a lot of important developmental processes such as having a secure attachment to a caregiver, which causes many issues in later life. They say that the first 8 years of a child’s life are the most important developmentally, my first 8 years were full of abuse, fear and torment, I had no stability, no hugs, no I love you’s, no bedtime stories. I guess that you will have to wait to read more… after I finish talking about my history I will also tell you all how it has affected me as an adult now, how it all haunts me everyday and how it feels like the suffering is never ending. Your childhood really does impact you greatly later on in life. So if you are a parent, never hesitate to give your child as much love, support and encouragement as you can. It is THE most valuable gift you can EVER give them.

If anyone has any questions about anything, please feel free to leave a comment and I will always try my best to answer. Sometimes it’s hard figuring out what to write, what to leave out and parts of this may not make full sense or could be fragmented. I’m not really editting, just pouring it onto the page raw. So please forgive any gaps or mistakes. Until later, take care.